Everybody seems to be doing them this time of year, for some unknown reason, so I guess I should obey my instant eagerness to bunnyhop onto the bandwagon like I always do!
I'll just sort all the important events of the past year in a simple "Bad, good, and fucking weird"-manner. Will I be arsed to actually sort it chronologically? No.
Ready?
I managed to get rid of my two inferior guitars and buy me a Gibson Les Paul. *Fucking Awesome!
The release of the new Alone In The Dark-game.
*Fucking terrible. Forget global warming and nuclear proliferation, Alone In The Dark is way worse!
Moved from the wonderful city of Stockholm to the dreadful hive of scum and villainy that is Hallsberg.
*It's so bad...
Finally received help for my depression in the form of pills that need to be taken in increasingly large quantities to stave off complete and utter despair.
*Neutral, nothing much has changed.
Fallout 3 was released.
*Fucking sweet!
I got an AT-ST walker in LEGO, 40cm tall, as a christmas gift from my siblings.
*Fucking awesome!
tisdag 30 december 2008
tisdag 2 december 2008
Horror movies, part 2!
18. When it's plastered all over the news that the dead are rising, for the love of god, would you please not assume that the nice man with a large bite wound on his neck walking towards you like a, I don't know, ZOMBIE(!) is a living and healthy contributor to society!
SHOOT HIM! Or, in the abscense of firearms, smash his head to pieces. And don't fucking stop hitting him just because he's stopped moving!
19. Don't be a selfish prick and kill yourself, because you know full well that you're going to turn into an undead selfish prick who will be just another pain in the ass of your former loved ones!
20. Oh, puh-lease don't split up! You always start out saying "We should stick together", but you bunch of fucking morons are still going to rationalize going into some dark space with plenty of ambushing opportunities alone! DON'T GO ALONE!
21. If you want to survive, injure your leg or foot, it will cause a great deal of discomfort for the others to actually carry your candy ass to safety, but you will survive, because moviemakers never ever add insult to injury!
22. Rule #21 is null and void if you are above the age of 50, because then you're per automatique the elderly gentleman who stays behind to delay the onslaught to buy you younger people some time to live through your first premature ejaculations and four divorces!
23. If you're Paris Hilton, please disregard all other rules and just kill yourself as soon, and as bloodily, as possible. Let's face it, if you landed your ugly butt in any movie production, the least you could do to right that great wrongdoing would be to make sure you die horribly!
Stay tuned for more on this, and coming up is Morley Safer, Steve Croft and Andy Rooney!
SHOOT HIM! Or, in the abscense of firearms, smash his head to pieces. And don't fucking stop hitting him just because he's stopped moving!
19. Don't be a selfish prick and kill yourself, because you know full well that you're going to turn into an undead selfish prick who will be just another pain in the ass of your former loved ones!
20. Oh, puh-lease don't split up! You always start out saying "We should stick together", but you bunch of fucking morons are still going to rationalize going into some dark space with plenty of ambushing opportunities alone! DON'T GO ALONE!
21. If you want to survive, injure your leg or foot, it will cause a great deal of discomfort for the others to actually carry your candy ass to safety, but you will survive, because moviemakers never ever add insult to injury!
22. Rule #21 is null and void if you are above the age of 50, because then you're per automatique the elderly gentleman who stays behind to delay the onslaught to buy you younger people some time to live through your first premature ejaculations and four divorces!
23. If you're Paris Hilton, please disregard all other rules and just kill yourself as soon, and as bloodily, as possible. Let's face it, if you landed your ugly butt in any movie production, the least you could do to right that great wrongdoing would be to make sure you die horribly!
Stay tuned for more on this, and coming up is Morley Safer, Steve Croft and Andy Rooney!
Horror movies!
See, there are so many horror movies out there that are based around people never in their lives actually having watched one!
The hints are all there, so why don't people actually use them to survive?
Here is my personal list of things that will save you from dying in a horror movie situation:
1. This is something that you should think about long before you even catch a glimpse of something scary; if where you're going is situated on top of an indian burial ground, if an old lady speaks of deamons and tells you not to go there, if a madman tells you not to go there, if your fucking GPS-navigator tells you not to go there, if that place is the location of 59 gruesome murders carried out in the exact same way but they never caught the culprit, THEN DON'T FUCKING GO THERE!
Jeez, so many scary situations in movies happen because people are dumber than mud when it comes to picking their vacation resorts!
2. If you on your way to the place where you're going come across any kind of museum that contains anything other than Elvis Presley-records, and in fact even then, TURN BACK FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
A house of wax, a museum of gruesome murders run by an old colonel, just fucking turn back!
3. If you are going to have sex before your little trip, for the love of god, have it with someone you have no emotional connection to whatsoever!
Because here's how it is: If you are the main male character, then you will die if you have sex with the main female character. The only way you'll ever survive is if you're the nerdy guy who's always had a crush on the benevolent female character and you grow up to be a real man during the course of the movie.
4. If you're young adult guy, bring your hot sister. Since there cannot be any sexual tension between you, as the movie is trying to avoid an AO-rating, you are both completely safe, because you are the ones who can't really abandon eachother.
5. If you're a black chick, you're dead.
6. If you're a black dude, you're dead.
7. There is one exception to rule #6; if you are a black dude with a troubled past but a golden heart, and you have survived one encounter with the scary thing while you were alone, you'll be fine!
8. Rule #7 is cancelled out if you so much as think about looking down the blouse of the female main character, let alone hit on her.
9. If you have any skeletons in the closet, you're dead. The moviemakers know that you deserve to die, and will henceforth kill you.
10. If you get yourself in deep shit, appeal to the good nature of the scary thing. If it then hesitates for a moment then you will survive the rest of the movie, because something or other will come to the rescue, and after that one single tender moment, the moviemakers simply can't kill you off.
11. If you take charge, you're dead.
12. If you are the elderly strong guy who barges in with weapons a while into the movie to save the main cast from an onslaught, you're dead!
13. If you are a female main character with skeletons in her closet, but otherwise acts responsibly and helpfully, it's a 50/50 whether you live or die.
14. If you are fighting zombies created by some mysterious disease, don't fucking try to help your loved one who has been bitten, just give him/her a bullet in the brain. Preferably two!
15. If you are fighting a tonne of scary things, and you decide to sacrifice yourself to delay the onslaught, then make sure you survive long enough for the others to leave the room, and don't you ever scream! That way, you'll probably appear at the end when the two survivors look in the direction of the scary place and mourn the loss of you!
16. If you're prone to panic, you will die.
17. If you ever get a hold of a shotgun and say the words "It's killin' time" or the likes thereof and go around shooting things like a real badass, you'll survive, because you have achieved what is essentially cinematic godmode!
Tune in later for more...!
The hints are all there, so why don't people actually use them to survive?
Here is my personal list of things that will save you from dying in a horror movie situation:
1. This is something that you should think about long before you even catch a glimpse of something scary; if where you're going is situated on top of an indian burial ground, if an old lady speaks of deamons and tells you not to go there, if a madman tells you not to go there, if your fucking GPS-navigator tells you not to go there, if that place is the location of 59 gruesome murders carried out in the exact same way but they never caught the culprit, THEN DON'T FUCKING GO THERE!
Jeez, so many scary situations in movies happen because people are dumber than mud when it comes to picking their vacation resorts!
2. If you on your way to the place where you're going come across any kind of museum that contains anything other than Elvis Presley-records, and in fact even then, TURN BACK FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
A house of wax, a museum of gruesome murders run by an old colonel, just fucking turn back!
3. If you are going to have sex before your little trip, for the love of god, have it with someone you have no emotional connection to whatsoever!
Because here's how it is: If you are the main male character, then you will die if you have sex with the main female character. The only way you'll ever survive is if you're the nerdy guy who's always had a crush on the benevolent female character and you grow up to be a real man during the course of the movie.
4. If you're young adult guy, bring your hot sister. Since there cannot be any sexual tension between you, as the movie is trying to avoid an AO-rating, you are both completely safe, because you are the ones who can't really abandon eachother.
5. If you're a black chick, you're dead.
6. If you're a black dude, you're dead.
7. There is one exception to rule #6; if you are a black dude with a troubled past but a golden heart, and you have survived one encounter with the scary thing while you were alone, you'll be fine!
8. Rule #7 is cancelled out if you so much as think about looking down the blouse of the female main character, let alone hit on her.
9. If you have any skeletons in the closet, you're dead. The moviemakers know that you deserve to die, and will henceforth kill you.
10. If you get yourself in deep shit, appeal to the good nature of the scary thing. If it then hesitates for a moment then you will survive the rest of the movie, because something or other will come to the rescue, and after that one single tender moment, the moviemakers simply can't kill you off.
11. If you take charge, you're dead.
12. If you are the elderly strong guy who barges in with weapons a while into the movie to save the main cast from an onslaught, you're dead!
13. If you are a female main character with skeletons in her closet, but otherwise acts responsibly and helpfully, it's a 50/50 whether you live or die.
14. If you are fighting zombies created by some mysterious disease, don't fucking try to help your loved one who has been bitten, just give him/her a bullet in the brain. Preferably two!
15. If you are fighting a tonne of scary things, and you decide to sacrifice yourself to delay the onslaught, then make sure you survive long enough for the others to leave the room, and don't you ever scream! That way, you'll probably appear at the end when the two survivors look in the direction of the scary place and mourn the loss of you!
16. If you're prone to panic, you will die.
17. If you ever get a hold of a shotgun and say the words "It's killin' time" or the likes thereof and go around shooting things like a real badass, you'll survive, because you have achieved what is essentially cinematic godmode!
Tune in later for more...!
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