Horror, or what passes for it...

What the fuck happened to horror?! When exactly did horror movie makers decide "Fuck it, I've had enough, let's never make another psychological horror experience ever again!"?

Don't believe me? Name one horror movie made in the last decade that's actually been scary. Other than Dead Silence, that is, which is creepy as all fuck.

The remakes of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street? Oh come on, those are all just action movies where people you don't give a fuck about are killed in exceedingly gory ways

That's not horror. Horror doesn't squick you out, it terrifies you, it makes you afraid to go to sleep, in other words it doesn't simply make that bacon sandwich you're eating seem slightly less apetizing.

The latest example I've been watching is The Final Destination. It's essentially the same as all the other movies in the series; a guy has a vision of his and his friend's deaths, so they get out of there and then death hunts them down in extremely gory and contrived ways.

Now, that series has always been shit in the "Horror" department, and not even once has it actually tried to get under your skin. What does it do? Show you gore and incredibly weird coincidences that lead up to someone biting the dust. Of course, gore doesn't have to be a bad thing, but when you make a series of movies where it is the one and only point of the movies, then it totally is.

I can't help but draw a parallell to porn in how it's presented, and it's not a coincident that there is such a concept as "Gore-nography". See, there's always the same buildup of tension before the person dies, and it ends with an orgasmic crescendo where the moron gets stabbed through the head or whatever. And it's even more like porn in that other movies generally stick to softcore gore, Final Destination goes all in and throws hardcore at you. Most movies cut away when someone is actually crushed by a falling pane of industrial strength glass or shot ten times with a nailgun through the head, but these movies seem to relish in it. It's like the movie makers actually got a jolly out of the whole thing. Instead of showing the money shot, most movies leave the boning implied, but Final Destination has no such consideration.

It's shit, that's what it is!

Well, that's quite unique!

I'm rather proud of just today having had an experience that very few can say they've had, namely having been simultaneously insulted about how stupid and useless I am and complimented on how helpful and good at my job I am.

See, this guy wanted help with a matter, but I couldn't help him. From what I could tell, there was nothing I could do. So I told him I'd connect him to someone else and put him on hold. Grabbing the attention of one of our coaches, I asked if she could figure out what the matter was.

Unfortunately, it turned out that there was an error in our system, and the man had been right all along, so I had the unfortunate job of explaining this to him and apologizing that we had made a mistake.

So, I took him off hold and explained the situation, and how we would remedy it. He was quite grateful that I was able to help him, and so he told me how helpful I was and how useless the other guy was. It turns out he thought I was a separate guy from the one he spoke to first.

So, beat that; I was told how great I was compared to myself who was a complete moron.

Isn't life great?

Dezz!

Today, the topic will be death!

No, not in an emo way, shut up!

Thing is, I'm a big fan of finding shit out about the world, and death therefore fascinates me because we can know everything there is to know about it except what it's like.

Of course, the crux is that it is like nothing, in a very literal way, and that's very hard to visualize.

It's easy to imagine death as simply being blackness for all eternity, but that doesn't really cut the mustard for me. See, in order for there to be blackness, there'd have to be a consciousness to perceive it. Black, after all, is simply the result of an object absorbing most visible light, it's not an actual concept of nothingness.

But how do you imagine total oblivion? You're not seeing or hearing, you're just simply not at all. Everything just ceases. Me, I don't really fear that; I rather feel comforted by it. The concept of some kind of hell where anyone who doesn't worship the correct omnipotent cretin end up is far more frightening to me, if only because I'm unable to believe in a god in the first place!

Oblivion, on the other hand, has a sort of beautiful finality to it. You'll cease to be entirely, you won't feel pain or anguish, you won't feel boredom or fear. Best of all, you won't know that you're dead, and you'll certainly not miss being alive. You simply won't be, at all. You'll go from a state of being to a state of not being, which is exactly the state that you started out with before you were conceived.

It's great, isn't it? You get to experience a, hopefully, happy and fullfilling life, and when it's over you won't have to go all nostalgic about it because you'll be stone dead!

Holy racial metaphor, Batman!

It rerally surprised me how spent I'd feel after three weeks of just sitting on my arse and doing nothing all day while a teacher explained the intricacies of something I'm supposed to do for a living later on. It shouldn't, though, seeing as how that's what I've been doing between the ages of 6 and 25 pretty much non-stop.

What also surprised me was how fun it would be solving problems for people. I know it's not particularly funny whenever I'm being serious, but it's really fulfilling to actually sort something out and be thanked for it afterward. Unfortunately, I have yet to have a taste of trying to help out an enraged dickpiston, so whether I'll hate the arsehole or just laugh my pretty big arts off is still up in the air.

This is the part where I throw another surprise in your face; my body sorta set itself in "I wanna work, dammit!"-mode, so on the weekends I'm basically bored out of my mind, just waiting for the work week to start again so I get the feeling I'm actually doing something worthwhile. I guess this is the feeling that is the only thing standing between working people and the next office massacre. I only wish I'll get to go to a party and get shitfaced at least once before the buzz wears off and I decide to initiate a nuclear war by phoning NORAD (Cookies to whoever gets the reference)!

A lazy top list!

Tonight, I just felt like making a really lazy post without all the intellectual intricacies that most people will insist I couldn't write to save my life.

So, I give you: Top Five Most Attractive Celebrities. Yup, it doesn't get more generic and uninspired than that!

#10: George Clooney. No, it's actually not only a prominent feature of my standup routine, he is an incredibly good looking fellow.

#9: Sarah Alexander. No, don't have an explanation for that one.

#8: Anne Hathaway. If only they could shrink her eyes slightly...

#7: Linda Cardellini. And no, I've never seen the Scooby Doo-movie!

#6: Yvonne Strahovski. Come on, most of my friends are nerds, what were you expecting?

#5: Hugh Laurie. You know he belongs on this list!

#4: Angelica Alm. And yes, I'm a huge fan of Så Ska Det Låta.

#3: Milla Jovovich. That one doesn't need an explanation.

#2: Ashley Williams. No, not the character from Mass Effect, you son of a silly person!

#1: Katy Brand. And no, don't fucking google it!

Good night.

DDT: I still know what you drank last summer! AKA Part 2!

As promised, here comes the continuation of yesterday's post.

To start it with a bang, I'm going to introduce you to a little something I sampled at a pub in Cork on my vacation, namely the Red Breast Cask Strength.

This is not something for the faint of heart. Really, if you've got a weak heart, just looking at this drink will probably send you to kingdom come. Like any self respecting cask strength whisky, this one will knock you on your arse. It packs quite a punch, and not just in terms of alcohol content, but in terms of strength of flavour. It contains all the flavour of the regular Red Breast, but in higher concentration, so it hits you harder at first, and then takes a little while longer for you to taste all of it.

Served the same any as whiskey, only with the addition of a couple of drops of water to release the flavours properly.

Next!

Ah, yes, the Jameson Gold Reserve! I got a bottle of this from my girlfriend's mother as a present for my 25th birthday, and it is something quite special.

The first thing one notices is that it doesn't pack a punch. It's surprisingly soft and smooth, even for a Jameson. It is, in general, much more subdued than the regular version, and the flavour tends to come somewhat later, adding a lot in terms of aftertaste than is common for a smooth whisky. It could, quite fairly, be described as both the most delicious and the most delicate expression of Jameson's whiskey.

Serve only to those deserving and able to appreciate it.

I'll end tonight's issue with a little overdue surprise, namely the Innis & Gunn Rum Cask ale. It's quite rare for ales to be aged at all, and this is, in fact, the major selling point of I&G.

I found that this very special brew has the very best qualities of both light and the dark beer; it's sweet and aromatic, but also powerful in taste, with relatively mild bitterness. If I were the kind of snob who ascribed characteristics such as "Divulges faint notes of chocolate", I'd kill myself. But before that, I'd say there is indeed a hint of dark chocolate somewhere in there.

Serve chilled in a tankard, in a british pub.

DDT: I know what you drank last summer! AKA Part 1!

Ladies and gentlemen, Drwhyn's Drink Time, or DDT for short, is back in action! After an enlightening, but by no means ensobering, trip to Ireland, and an equally tipsying trip to my mother's holiday house, I'm read to line up some beverages that will enthrall you, either with incredibly high or incredibly low quality.

Let's get this show on the road!

We'll start off with some cider, namely Bulmer's Original, known as Magner's outside of the Republic of Ireland.

It tastes of absolutely nothing, with notes of bitterness and broken promises. There are certain things which one can expect of a cider; sweetness; dryness; fruitynessness, but none of those are present in this one. It's just incredibly bland and tasteless.

Should be served chilled in a pint glass, to someone who hates beer and with the lie that it is, in fact, beer. They'll believe you, AND they'll think it's delicious for a beer. A win-win!


Next on the list is something even less encouraging; Pisang Ambon, a banana liqueur.

This one tastes, unsurprisingly, of banana, and some may view that as a good thing. The problem is that the taste of alcohol combined with banana makes it incredibly similar to banana flavoured liquid penicilin, which I was forced to drink at times when I was younger. I'm afraid those scars will never go away, so this one simply makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Should be served in a medicine cup, and followed by a piece of chocolate to enourage the person in question to actually drink the damn thing.


But let's move on to happier things, namely a whisky!

First, we have a 12 years aged Red Breast, a single pot still whisky, made by the Jameson distillery in Midleton, County Cork, Republic of Ireland.

The first thing one notices when smelling the spirits is quite a distinct note of wood, courtesy of the slightly longer than average aging. Of course, as its made by Jameson, it has that signature whiff of softness and rich flavour that goes with the territory, but a taste reveals invigorating surprises.

The taste is also quite woody, and the flavours are rather deeper and more complex than your average Jameson. You'll find just a tiny bit more kick and slightly less of the sweetness and fruitynessness of Jameson, but the emphasis is still on rich flavour as opposed to strength.

It's clear that this whisky has got a lot of thought put into it, and it's of very high quality. I would recommend it to anyone, even higher than most scotch single malts.

Serve in a Glencairn whisky tasting glass, at room temperature and with a glass of water next to it.

Tomorrow, I'll be continuing this foray into the world of Irish beverages with a few incredibly interesting additions. Tune in then!