Surviving Horror...part 3!

After having watched some more horror movies, and another truckload of idiotic mistakes made, I felt it was my duty to once again put pen to paper and write up a bunch of suggestions on what to do and not do if you find yourself in such a situation.

1. This one is all important; if you have some kind of vision or premonition of the death of you or someone else, just ignore it. This won't actually help you survive the horror flick, but it'll make sure you die quickly and violently, and thus you won't have to endure the next 90 minutes of terrible oneliners and potential mortal terror.

2. If you have a bunch of kids playing and having fun, but there's this one kid who just sits there with a bitter look on his/her face and doesn't do anything, kill the kid! Chances are, the other kids will alert you by saying things like "He scares me!", so listen to them for fuck's sake! That kid will otherwise, in time, and without the mother having a clue what's going on, get all the adults killed.

3. Use a shotgun, not a big knife!
See, filmmakers have a deep rooted sense of irony. Thusly, if you try to use a weapon most commonly associated with the badguy, such as a big knife or machete, you're going to die! Probably by being killed with that very same weapon!
Badguys, however, will never ever master the advanced technique of firing a shotgun, so if you can get your hands on one, you can start kicking arse!

4. If you are an old lady, don't drink alcohol! Just don't!
Ever notice how ladies, from the 40s and up, always grab a drink to calm their nerves just before they die? Well, don't fucking have a drink then!

5. If you are black, and even better, if you are Samuel L. Jackson, don't do the whole "Snakes on a plane!"-routine, because it WILL get you killed! Filmmakers hate angry black guys, so watch out!

6. If you're a very, and I do mean very, hot chick, you're dead. See, filmmakers are nerds to the core. Thusly, if you are the girl they had no chance of even being able to talk to in highschool, they will be coming for revenge! Now, the moderately attractive girl, she has a chance, depending on the past of the filmmaker. If he encountered the case of a moderately hot chick who pitied him but didn't fall in love with him, he's gonna kill the moderately foxy she-person too. The ugly chick? She'll always make it!

7. Don't ever panic. If you freak out, you will start running, and if you start running, you'll fall, crawl a few metres on your hands and knees, then die, violently!

8. That menacing sound of footsteps in the huge and terrifying house you're in, they don't belong to your one true love. Neither do they belong to the national guard, the marine corps, or any other people with whom you're potentially safe. Why the fuck would you even think that was the case? Get real!
There is, however, one exception from this rule; if you are the smoking hot daughter with a slightly brooding personality in a family that lives in the haunted house, you actually have the best chances of surviving, because the parents are both clueless, and the little kid is evil.

9. Don't rent or buy a house in which people have been violently murdered and dismembered! Jeez, it's like all the horror movies of the world are just bakesales for Stupid-cookies!

10. Don't do drugs! Not because drugs are bad, but because filmmakers think drugs are bad, and they'll kill you off if you try them! This doesn't mean I'm some kind of hippie drug-liberal, but even if it did, I don't give a shit what you think anyway!

Hope you enjoyed my small tips, and I hope I'll be seeing You as the survivor in the next horror movie!