'MERICUH!

Isn't the US of A just a very very nutty country? Politically, that is.

I mean, I know the stereotype is that americans are generally idiots, but I find it much more fascinating how bonkers their whole political system is.

First, we have the wonderful subject of the war between the two main parties, the Democrats and the Evil Bast...I mean Republicans. If you thought the conflicts between the swedish parties was weird, you wouldn't believe the kind of shit that the americans like to pull.

Just take the last election, as an example. Obama won, clearly and unambiguously. So, what did the republicans do? Shrug and decide to do better next election?

Well...no. They decided that having a black president on the throne wasn't very american, so they decided to try to bullshit their way to having him removed. Unfortunately, the election results were too clear to try and reverse the decision with some voter fraud, like they did with George W. Bush, so they went after his status as an american citizen. I mean, surely he can't be a true american, he's black!

But do you know who are black? Kenyans! Kenyans are black, Obama is black, therefore Obama must be a Kenyan. QED!

Okay, so he is partially of Kenyan descent, but that doesn't really make him a Kenyan rather than an american, does it?

And the tragic thing is that, in spite of Obama very quickly producing incontrovertible proof of his american birth, there are still Evil Bas...Complete moro...republicans who believe that he's just faking it and is, in fact, not eligible to be president.

Oh, but it gets better, moving on to...

Second, there is the complete and utter lack of pragmatism in american politics, mostly on the Evil B...republican side. Fact of the matter is, the country is facing a severe economic crisis, and not just in terms of the major recession, but in terms of the failing government finances. The government is shagged. It simply can't pay its bills and its loans are spiralling out of control. What do the Evil Mor...republicans want to do about it? Why, lower taxes of course! Because everybody knows that if you have too little money, lowering your income will solve the problem! What the hell, boneheads?

But, of course, they are interested in one thing only; small government. They want a minimal government that lets society mostly run and regulate itself. Unless you're talking about sex, in which case the government will suddenly have to grow massively and control every single inch of your penis and/or vagina.

Naturally, however, the concept of small government does in no way include the military, which, equally naturally, has to be the largest military in the whole wide world. Larger, in fact, by far than any other, and making up more than 40% of the total military spending of the entire world. How they manage to reconcile a small government with a monumentally massive military? Fucked if I know.

Either way, the republicans will run their bullshit policies even if it means driving the country to the ground. It doesn't matter if the country will implode without raised taxes, the republicans will insist on lowering them anyway.

That was, actually, what got them a significant, and by significant I mean idiotic, victory last year; the country was facing a crisis of government lending, and had to make a decision on whether or default on their payments, and therefore send the whole government to hell and stop paying all their bills, or raising their debt ceiling. Why, that sounds simple enough, an idiot could see what to do here!

Well...no, not these idiots. See, Obama had the good sense to demand that they actually follow the raising of the debt ceiling with tax increases and spending cuts to actually fix the problem rather than simply postpone it. The Evil Shitheads would have none of that! Instead, they refused to allow the bill to pass, thereby playing a game of chicken with the whole american government in the pot, unless those plans were scrapped. So, they won, because they were fully willing to drive the country into the ground, and the democrats weren't. That's right, the republicans would not have hesitated for a moment to destroy the american government just to stop tax increases. That isn't just stupid, that's insane!

The worst bit is, there is a third, and here it comes:

Third, the USA is a third world country with regards to social systems and human rights.

That's right, a third world country. After all, it has poverty and homelessness up the bum, they pay more than most countries for schools and healthcare, but the results are far from the best.

Heck, they even lack something as basic as universal healthcare. Do you know what the absence of that does? It makes it so that people refuse to seek preventative care, and only go to the doctor when it's too late to prevent problems so it'll cost a shitload more in the end. And what happens then? Well, they can't pay it, so the government will be forced to foot the bill anyway since hospitals are legally obligated to provide necessary emergency care even if the person can't pay for it. It's dumb. It's cheap. It's dumb cheap.

But what about the human rights? Well, the US still hasn't managed to ban human sacrifice the death penalty. This most cruel and barbaric punishment, based on the notion that what we really need is A) to scare people into not committing crimes, which doesn't fucking work, and B) that we really need to satiate the bloodthirst of the proponents of the death penalty.

Also, we have the matter of the UN Convention on the rights of the child, which the US has refused to ratify, because fuck children, I guess.

So, you see, the US is severely screwed up, politically. But that's alright, because it's the land of the free, and the home of the brave, and they singlehandedly saved the world in WWII! Or whatever bullshit they want people to believe.

Yeah, there's no better way to learn to appreciate our own political system than to look at the US.

Return with a Review!

So, now it's time for the triumphant return of Up The Arts, and I've decided to do it with a movie review.

The movie in question is Prometheus...IN 3D!

Of course, it won't be a professional review; I'm a political science major, not a homosexual (If you get the reference, pat yourself on the back. If you don't, have a whank). I'll just pick a few categories and slag off/praise the movie accordingly.

Let's get this show on the road, then! Oh, and by the way, of course there will be spoilers, so if you haven't seen the damn thing, don't come whining to me if I ruin it for you.  

The 3D: This was actually my very first time going to see a 3D movie at the cinema. No, it had nothing to do with me thinking that it's a stupid bullshit gimmick that studios use as another excuse for replacing good storytelling with fancy graphics. My motivation was much more noble; I'm sure as hell not going to pay an extra three or four pounds worth just to get a couple of silly glasses to go with the popcorn.

And FYI, the popcorn weren't even THAT good.

But anyway, back to the 3D!

It actually really impressed me. Unfortunately I'd heard previously that the 3D at that particular cinema is rather sub-par, and I have nothing to compare it to, but it impressed me anyway.

Of course, the pre-movie trailer-athon was just trying to squeeze a bunch of paper cutouts of the main character into every shot, and that looked like shit, but in the movie itself the 3D effect did a lot for the immersion by vastly improving the depth of vision.

Of course again, I wasn't given the impression that things were actually flying at me rather than just being on the screen, which would, on reflection, have been fucking annoying in the long run, but the effect made many scenes look more vivid and realistic, and it allowed the movie to drag me in properly. The movie also gave me the impression that they weren't actually trying their hardest to sell the 3D gimmick as the only reason to watch the movie, and they were not really just making a bunch of shots to showcase it all the time in what can only be described as graphical masturbation.

All in all, the 3D thingamafuck was very good, and contributed something tangible to the cinema experience.  

The graphics:

Graphically, the movie was, in a word, modern. It had a lot of fancy special effects and naturally had to somehow shoehorn in a dust cloud like every movie and their dog's aunt's kitchen sink.

However, unlike shitty movies like Star Wars Episode III, it wasn't drenched in CGI up the bum, which was gratifying. It had a lot of elaborate and fancy sets, and I feel the aesthetics of the movie set the tone fairly well. And by that I mean that Noomi Rapace was smoking hot.

Therefore I have to say that the graphical side of the movie was very good as well. It used the latest in graphical engineering, but it was a means to an end, not an end of its own.  

The characters:

This is the first point where the movie really suffers. Normally, any high profile release such as this will have two main elements that dominate the acting; well known actors or unknown good actors. Those two elements are then mixed to varying degrees. This mix wasn't very good. Most actors were complete and utter unknowns. Now, this needn't be a bad thing, but in this movie it's coupled with the fact that their characters are usually entirely uninteresting or entirely unlikeable.

What we got stuck with was about three high profile actors and as many characters we could connect with. In a cast of 17, those aren't good statistics, especially since Charlize Theron doesn't land in either category.

Most characters are either bland and lacking any personality, or are morons who you don't really mind dying. Heck, even the big heroic sacrifice at the end loses its sting when you realize that you don't give a flying shit about either of the three people dying.  

The story:

Okay, this is where the movie really lands in the shit. Let's get the most obvious point over with; yes, it's a fucking prequel-ish to Alien. The "-ish" comes from the fact that the makers of the movie supposedly wanted to make a movie that comes before Alien in the same universe, but wanted it to stand on its own. So why the flying fuck is the megacorporation called "Wayland", why is there a dead alien in the storage room of the engineer ship, and why on earth does an alien pop out of the engineer in the last scene, why does the movie have a fucking android with a hidden agenda? Did the makers just run out of ideas around the 29th gin and tonic of the evening?

Come on, you can't have it both ways. If you want this movie to stand on its own, drop the fucking Alien imagery, alright? Yes, we get it, this is where aliens come from. We figured that out around the time the name Ridley Scott flashed on the screen in the fucking pre-intro credits! Having a few indications that it might be the same universe would be cool, but this movie constantly screams "HEY, THIS THING HAPPENED IN ALIEN TOO, REMEMBER? SEE THIS THING, IT'S LIKE ONE OF THE FACEHUGGERS FROM ALIEN! AND THIS CHICK GETS IMPREGNATED BY A WEIRD LIFEFORM, KINDA LIKE FUCKING ALIEN! DID WE MENTION THIS MOVIE IS CONNECTED TO THAT ONE? YOU KNOW, ALIEN!

Aside from that, what the hell happens in this movie? Yes, I know what happens, but what the hell happens? The movie is all over the place. The movie is constantly conjuring up more and more contrived reasons for people to go back and forth between the ship and the cave, and things happen without any sort of consistency or logic behind them whatsoever. Here's the thing people need to learn about movies before they make one: they need to make sense internally. If a sticky black goo has one effect on someone at one time, it should have the same fucking effect on someone another time, but in this movie the goo just seems to be liquid Plotconvenientum, used as nothing more than a vehicle to drive the plot forward.

And how about the movie actually answering a single one of the questions that pop up, huh? Why the hell did the aliens create humans? Why the hell did they decide to wipe us out? Why the hell did the aliens decide to give humans directions to a supposedly secret bioweapon laboratory? What was really the instructions given to the android by Mr Wayland? Why the buggery biggles did he look less like a very old man and more like a 25 year old who'd spent a few too many nights in the bathtub? Why did the resident corporate hottie shag the captain?

You know what, the story made the movie a disappointment all by itself. It fucked everything up. The action scenes were pretty good, the main character was believable, the setting was intriguing, but they just fucked it up with an stupid and incomprehensible plot.

Of course, we all know why that happened; because they wanted to set up a solid, in the same way that a hard shit is solid, sequel hook so they'd be paid for another movie after this one. They couldn't answer any questions, because they knew that if they did then someone might realize for a split second that a sequel would be absolutely pointless, which it still is.

This movie wasn't terrible, on account of the good things in it, but it's not particularly good because it's dragged down by the shitty plot. Don't expect too much if you decide to watch it.