The console market!

Oh dear, it's happening again!

What, another nuclear holocaust scare? Another plague of mantits mantises?

No, there's a new console generation in the works. Good grief, let the bullshit commence.

Of course, we've got the usual lineup of Xbox, Playstation and Nintendo Wii consoles, of which only the latter is actually out as of yet, and already the companies and players have started bugging the everloving dick out of me.

Take the XBox One, or XBone as it's officially known. We don't know much about it, except that Microsoft seem determined to take all the things we either hate about the current SexBox and make them the core selling points.

Hey, do you love always online and have a stable high-speed internet connection wherever you go? If you don't, there is, according to Microsoft, there's this little piece of shit called the Xbox 360. The XBone is for real gamers, who have awesome internet that they use...well, for watching movies, television and chatting with their friends primarily, rather than play games, because those are the features that Microsoft think will attract the most gamers to the system.

At this stage, it's pretty obvious that the XBone represents the ADHD side of the business; Microsoft don't have a single clue what to focus on and just slap random shit on the ExBoner, and can't pay attention to the customers' preferences for half a second.

Meanwhile, people are whining about how the Wii U is essentially just Nintendo's attempt at catching up with the 360 and PS3, while at the same time it's a next generation console.

Oh, of course, because processing power is all that matters.

I can't for the love of me recall even once having played a new AAA title and saying to myself "Damn, this game would be awesome if it didn't look like shit! I can't wait for someone to remake it in the future to look better".

Let me be absolutely clear here; processing power is the very last thing I take into consideration when buying a new console, just under the size of the bar code on the box in terms of importance.

Maybe the games for the Wii U will all be shit, but then it won't be the fault of the hardware being only on par with the PS3.

Gymnazis!

Here's something that really bugs me about going to the gym; the sitter.

Now, what's a "sitter", you might ask.

Well, let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time, the gym was invented. In it, there were many machines that one could use for strenuous physical activity to increase degree of fitness.

This guy, however, never heard that story.

He picks a machine, sits down, maybe fiddles abit with his phone, drinks some water.

If you're lucky, he'll actually do one or two sets, then move on to do the same damn thing on another machine.

What the fuck is he at the gym for?! All he's doing is occupying machines that people with an actual interest in working out might wanna use!

Now, don't misunderstand me; I'm not objecting to people taking breaks between sets to relax their muscles. That's a good idea to boot. No, what's bullshit is those people just taking up space while doing fuck all at the gym.

Me, petty? Nonsense!

Fun Facts!

Yup, that's right, I'm gonna do one of these. Thing is, mine won't be bullshit. Whenever people try to quote some fun facts, they really only manage to spout some crap that has no grounding in reality whatsoever.

So, I'm not gonna do that. I'm going to only mention stuff that I've actually checked up on.

Enjoy!

That's an order!

• Coca Cola has for the longest time contained trace amounts of cocaine, but doesn't anymore. Nowadays, it just contains an extract from depleted coca leaves, made by one single factory that is the only one in all of the US that is allowed to process the leaves.

 

• While Coca Cola Zero and Coca Cola Light are not identical in the flavour formula, it is not true that they are distinguished by using different artificial sweeteners. See, the mixing of the actual product and the choice of sweetener differs between markets, because Coca Cola only centrally produces the syrup itself, and various authorized bottlers across the world handle the bottling and mixing. Thusly, the same kind of Coke can have different sweeteners in different areas.

• Elvis Presley was a natural blonde. Yeah, suck on that hard hitting fact!

•  You've probably heard about Emilio Estévez, but what about his brother Carlos or his father Ramón? Or, as they're probably better known, Charlie and Martin Sheen.

• The name of the band KISS has a very dark and vicious origin and meaning; stopping at a red light one day while trying to come up with a name for the band, Paul Stanley suggested "KISS", and Peter Criss and Gene Simmons basically just went "Okay, that works".

• The title for the song Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds (Or LITSWD for short) had fuck all to do with LSD. The Beatles weren't exactly unfamiliar with enjoyable mood enhancers, but nobody seemed to realize what choice words in the title spelled out until after the release. Heck, the drawing that Julian Lennon made of his friend Lucy in the sky with some diamonds (See what happened, there?) is still preserved. Wouldn't it have been less hassle for Lennon to just admit that the title referenced LSD than make a fake drawing and then presumably indoctrinating his son into thinking he made it? Remember, kids; when judging a conspiracy theory, always consider if it's bad shit bonkers compared to the alternative explanation. This one is.

The Dark Knight Falls Flat On His Face!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm back!

Tonight, I'd like to address why I think the Dark Knight trilogy sucks as far as a portrayal of Batman goes.

To start off, I really like all three movies, and I think they are brilliant on so many levels. The problem I have with all three is that the Batman they presented is the wrong...fucking...Batman!

Let's start from the beginning: What is Batman?

He's got no super powers or anything, he just relies on other qualities. He's highly intelligent, he's designed tonnes of very useful gadgets, he's got more or less limitless wealth and he's in extremely good physical shape, he's always Crazy Prepared and a master businessman. The words "World's greatest detective" have frequently been lavished upon him.

Too bad all of it is absolute bullshit in the Dark Knight trilogy.

We'll start with his intelligence. He's dumber than a bag of wet mice. Remember that line from The Dark Knight where he goes "[The Joker] must have friends!", and the gangster goes "Have you seen this guy?!"? Yeah, that's how pretty much everyone would react. Bats is showing signs right there of not being the sharpest bulb in the elevator.

Do you also remember that scene where he uses subtle interrogation methods to try and make a criminal reveal part of his plan through manipulation? No, neither do I, because bats just tries to beat the shit out of them instead. Very intelligent!

Oh, and what about that bit where Batty forgets to turn off his mobile-phone-sonar-thingamajiggy and therefore gets beaten up by the fucking Joker? Are you shitting me? The Joker is many things, but physically intimidating in close combat is not one of them!

But he does in fact have a ton of useful gadgets, though. Can't argue with that one. Oh, wait, he didn't actually design those, he just embezzled funds from Wayne Enterprise for the purpose of designing toys for him. Great going, Bruce!

Come to think of it; beating people up instead of using his brain, going to an associate of his and asking "What've you got for me today?" to receive his toys of the day that will be trashed by the end of it?

For fuck's sake, he's James Bond!

At least he's rich, that's one thing even I can't take away.

And he is in pretty good physical shape. Notice how I said "pretty good", and not 'extremely good'. He's fairly fit, but he can't stand up to Bane in a fight, can he? And this isn't even Bane with venom injected, this is just a rather beefy guy with a funny voice. Are you telling me Buttman can't handle one single guy who's done some pushups?

As for the crazy preparedness? *sigh* Guess how this is gonna go...

Look, there's this part in The Dark Knight that perfectly exemplifies it; Roy Batty here is hanging on to a van at the beginning of the movie, and reveals a thingamabob that he has that can cut through metal. It's a silly, flimsy, bulky piece of shit attached to his glove that does no good whatsoever before he's thrown off of the van. He can't prepare for a bowel movement, let alone fighting crooks.

Or how about that bit in the Dark Knight Rises where he flings a bunch of tiny smoke bombs at Bane and all the evil walls surrounding him? They do absolutely fuck all. Why the hell did he even bring those?! They don't conceal anyone worth a shit, and they sure as hell don't even smart when they hit you, which most didn't even do.

He's at least great at doing business though, right? RIGHT?!

Fuck no.

If nothing else, no matter what Lucius Fox says in the Dark Knight Rises, the secret applied sciences division is not off the books. There is a fucking plot point in the second movie where a chartered accountant figures out Bat-shit-bonkers' identity by looking through the shit that applied sciences has developed.

And there's also the bit where he drives Wayne Enterprise into the ground. See, in the Dark Knight Rises, it's explained that the reason why youth activity centers aren't getting any funding is because that funding is based on a percentage of the profits from Wayne Enterprise, and there aren't any. As in, there are no profits. Fox explains this quite clearly; Wayne Enterprise is in the red. Every single penny is swallowed up by some ill-defined boondoggle to save the world that Brucey hopes will make sure he doesn't have to be Batman anymore, because fuck Gotham, that's why.

But now comes the final nail in the coffin; he's a crap detective as well. What are the characteristics of a great detective? Being able to see the whole picture, being able to pick up on subtle clues, being able to figure out what's really going on beyond any possible smoke screens or the likes thereof.

Yeah, Badman does none of that.

See, there's this bit in The Dark Knight, wherein Bratz knows that there is going to be an attempt on the life of the mayor. So, what does he do? Case the joint, try to find possible venues of attack or particular security risks, like the fucking guys shooting fucking guns ten feet from the fucking mayor?

Nope, he hops into one single apartment building, finds some bound and gagged guards, and immediately goes to fidget with a telescope in the window. Dammit, Stevie Wonder has got a better idea of his surroundings than this guy!

Or what about the part in the Dark Knight Rises where Bane and his folks bust into the Gotham stock exchange and hack into it to sell Wayne's assets with his finger prints (presumably through magic, because I don't know how the hell that would work in real life) while Butty Boy is off hunting down some blokes on motorcycles? Did Bedman think that they broke into the stock exchange and take hostages just to have a fun little chase sequence with three or so witnesses?

Come on, any idiot could have seen that something bigger was up, but Bruce Lack-of-Forsythe here just didn't have a fucking clue what was happening.

And that whole situation is just stupidly out of place for Batman. Had it been the real Batman, he'd have had some kind of anti-identity-theft spray to prevent it. Heck, when he's told, he just does fuck all, even though there are hundreds of witnesses and countless cameras all recording the fact that some guys broke into the stock exchange and ran some kind of hacking thingamafuck there, and then magically Bruce Wayne supposedly makes the worst business decision in his life, and does it electronically with no witnesses and via using finger prints (You know, those things absolutely everyone in the whole fucking world can get a hold of on you, from as little as a photograph off of glass?)?! Do you realize how fucking quickly every single corporate monitoring agency in the whole world would be all over that shit like flies on...well, shit?


What bothers me the most about the Dark Knight Rises in particular, though, is neither of those things. It's the simple fact that Batty Boop doesn't succeed through sheer determination or willpower. No, he succeeds through dumb (with a major emphasis on 'dumb') fucking luck. He's just lucky enough to share a cell with the one guy in that prison-well, or indeed the whole bloody world, who can heal a broken back by punching it very hard once (presumably through the same kind of reality-defying magic that enabled the aforementioned hacking), and is also quite willing to do so to someone who is the enemy of the guy he's hired by. And then Bat an Eyelid is plain told straight out what Bane's weakness is, IE you need to break his mask, so he can defeat him in spite of Bane being far superior in a fight.

I hate it when moviemakers do that. They leave the success of the hero up to sheer luck, instead of any real quality worth mentioning. Isn't Batman supposed to be awesome and badass? Not some moron with a good physician?

Bah, screw that, I'm going to watch the Avengers again!

Make Extreme Edition Home Over!

You know what's really bleedin' stupid?

Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

You know the show perfectly well; a guy who is more enthusiastic than fucking Steve Irwin remakes people's homes because they suck, and everyone starts crying all the time because it's such a Cinderella story!

It's shit.

Come on, you know it's shit.

No, I'm not talking about how disgustingly cheerful and emotional the whole thing is. I mean, that's sickening in itself, but the really terrible part is that those damn houses aren't actually fucking livable!

Take one family, for instance, where the youngest daughter was quite fond of pastries and sweets, as if there exists a form of child that isn't exactly that. So, what did they do? They decorated the whole thing so that abso-fucking-lutely every single detail in the whole room was pastry-themed. The cushions were doughnuts, the walls were covered in pastry images, everything revolved around that theme.

What kind of a fucking bedroom is that supposed to be? Yeah, so the kid has a sweet tooth, can you imagine what'll happen when that kid is a 15 year old emo trying to bring her friends home to listen to The Cure in a room dressed up like a baker's shop? Ever considered that maybe, just maybe, kids change what they like? Heck, I played fucking hockey when I was a kid, a fact that anyone who knows me now will realize illustrates my point to a terrifying degree.

However, the worst example is one family where the mother had passed away. That's sad for any family, but in this case they had Extremely Creepy Makeover Building a Fucking Mausoleum Edition to help them out. See, the people doing the show thought it'd be a nice touch to have poetry written by the mother covering the walls.

What...the...fuck?

So, how do you expect the kids will get over their mother when their whole house is a monument to her? It's a mausoleum, a graveyard, the walls of which contain her epitaph.

Oh, and while you're at it, how do you think the first visit of the father's new girlfriend, because he will definitely fucking get one sooner or later (Pro tip: people fucking move on!), to the house that's covered in the writing of the dead mother?

That's creepy as shit!

Addictiveness!

What makes a game, a drink, or a particular brand of gym shoe addictive?

Surely, that is something which has been contemplated by Electronic Arts, Systembolaget, and Adidas for many years already, and the only ones able to pin it down so far are Systembolaget. Come to think of it, that's quite ironic considering the role that the government takes in minimizing damage from alcohol to society.

No, wait, ironic isn't what it is...it's some other word...oh, yes; huge fucking hypocrisy!

Anyway, onward to dick jo...games!

I think it's time for me to finally give my views on what makes games addictive, because I know you have been waiting for a very very long long time for that very thing. Okay, so maybe I don't really know what the word 'addictive' means, so I'll just line up and shoot down things that make you want to play a game over and over.

Of course, it's not just one single thing, so I'll try to take us through a few of them. Let's get this show on the road!

First, on our list, is the concept of 'Shit to do'. After all, you want to have stuff to do in a game, and this can be accomplished in different ways. The easiest, but by far the least entertaining, is repetition. You just make the player do one or two things over and over again, IE your good old Diablo or Borderlands. One kill is pretty much the same as the other.

Now, this doesn't necessarily mean the game sucks, but it's not a particularly inventive way of getting you hooked.

Another way of doing it is to simply go the Bethesda way and make a billion different things to do and pack the game with it until it bursts out of its pores. You add easter eggs, sidequests, different kinds of crafting, furnishing and the kitchen sink. This one is more difficult and costly because you actually need to design all of the different things separately rather than copy-pasting the lot of it. Rockstar also like to do this. By doing it this way, you're unlikely to be able to experience everything in a single playthrough, so I'll have to have another go at it. And another.

The third way is giving you a million things to do, each and every one of them mutually exclusive, IE you give the player lots of choices along the way but they can only take one of two and a half quadrillion paths, so they need to play it again and again just to see how it would pan out. This includes the powers that be giving you the option to make either an evil, goody-two-shoes or flamboyantly homosexual character. See also: Bio-fucking-ware. Fuck this option, because I only ever either do goody-two-shoes or Hitler anyway.

The last way I'll bring up is the option of simply giving you such a bloody rewarding storytelling experience that you'll come crawling back in spite of everything else to go through that marvelous adventure one more time. In other words, what Dragon Age Origins did to make me want to play through it more than once, or even once, seeing as how the game mechanics themselves sucked big black...truffles!

So, let me just mail this to EA and maybe they'll make another game that doesn't suck. FUCK YOU Command & Conquer 4!

The Brain!

Isn't the human brain just a magnificently stupid thing? After all, we tend to imagine that the brain somehow perceives the world at it is, but it really doesn't in any way.

We see, but that's just light bouncing off shit.

We hear, but that's just airwaves bouncing off shit.

We feel, but that's just reports from little nerve endings when WE bounce off shit.

We perceive the world vicariously, quite like how a game world is viewed through a computer screen. The really amazing part is how immersed we can get into a world that we're just looking at through a window and aren't really part of.

When you play a game like Skyrim, you're swallowed up by the experience, and you imagine that you're in the game, but when you look outside of the screen you can clearly see that you're looking at a brightly lit rectangle. But the great magic trick is that we don't realize that ALL life is like that.

In fact, I'd like to propose rather a different metaphor for the brain than one of an incredibly advanced computer; namely one of a rather mediocre daily newspaper.

"Hey, that sounds insane, just like everything else you write! And also, you're ugly!", you might say.

Shut up! I don't care about your opinions on my opinions or my appearance, I may respond.

So, anyway, the newspaper office, or brain, gets information from reporters, IE nerves, about what the hell is going on. Just like a newspaper, your brain is pretty half-arsed when it comes to fact checking. It basically has a look at the information and decides if it's plausible or not. Apart from that, it sorta just assumes that the reporter isn't just making shit up.

And just like a newspaper, it gets facts mixed up, it gets hung up on its own prejudices and the stuff that it prints on the front pages is stuff you don't really have any reason to give a shit about. And just like any disreputable rag, it panders to the reader's, in this case your, prejudices, so it only provides information twisted to fit in with your own view of the world.

Rather stupid, the whole thing, really.