18. When it's plastered all over the news that the dead are rising, for the love of god, would you please not assume that the nice man with a large bite wound on his neck walking towards you like a, I don't know, ZOMBIE(!) is a living and healthy contributor to society!
SHOOT HIM! Or, in the abscense of firearms, smash his head to pieces. And don't fucking stop hitting him just because he's stopped moving!
19. Don't be a selfish prick and kill yourself, because you know full well that you're going to turn into an undead selfish prick who will be just another pain in the ass of your former loved ones!
20. Oh, puh-lease don't split up! You always start out saying "We should stick together", but you bunch of fucking morons are still going to rationalize going into some dark space with plenty of ambushing opportunities alone! DON'T GO ALONE!
21. If you want to survive, injure your leg or foot, it will cause a great deal of discomfort for the others to actually carry your candy ass to safety, but you will survive, because moviemakers never ever add insult to injury!
22. Rule #21 is null and void if you are above the age of 50, because then you're per automatique the elderly gentleman who stays behind to delay the onslaught to buy you younger people some time to live through your first premature ejaculations and four divorces!
23. If you're Paris Hilton, please disregard all other rules and just kill yourself as soon, and as bloodily, as possible. Let's face it, if you landed your ugly butt in any movie production, the least you could do to right that great wrongdoing would be to make sure you die horribly!
Stay tuned for more on this, and coming up is Morley Safer, Steve Croft and Andy Rooney!
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