Horror movies!

See, there are so many horror movies out there that are based around people never in their lives actually having watched one!
The hints are all there, so why don't people actually use them to survive?

Here is my personal list of things that will save you from dying in a horror movie situation:

1. This is something that you should think about long before you even catch a glimpse of something scary; if where you're going is situated on top of an indian burial ground, if an old lady speaks of deamons and tells you not to go there, if a madman tells you not to go there, if your fucking GPS-navigator tells you not to go there, if that place is the location of 59 gruesome murders carried out in the exact same way but they never caught the culprit, THEN DON'T FUCKING GO THERE!
Jeez, so many scary situations in movies happen because people are dumber than mud when it comes to picking their vacation resorts!

2. If you on your way to the place where you're going come across any kind of museum that contains anything other than Elvis Presley-records, and in fact even then, TURN BACK FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
A house of wax, a museum of gruesome murders run by an old colonel, just fucking turn back!

3. If you are going to have sex before your little trip, for the love of god, have it with someone you have no emotional connection to whatsoever!
Because here's how it is: If you are the main male character, then you will die if you have sex with the main female character. The only way you'll ever survive is if you're the nerdy guy who's always had a crush on the benevolent female character and you grow up to be a real man during the course of the movie.

4. If you're young adult guy, bring your hot sister. Since there cannot be any sexual tension between you, as the movie is trying to avoid an AO-rating, you are both completely safe, because you are the ones who can't really abandon eachother.

5. If you're a black chick, you're dead.

6. If you're a black dude, you're dead.

7. There is one exception to rule #6; if you are a black dude with a troubled past but a golden heart, and you have survived one encounter with the scary thing while you were alone, you'll be fine!

8. Rule #7 is cancelled out if you so much as think about looking down the blouse of the female main character, let alone hit on her.

9. If you have any skeletons in the closet, you're dead. The moviemakers know that you deserve to die, and will henceforth kill you.

10. If you get yourself in deep shit, appeal to the good nature of the scary thing. If it then hesitates for a moment then you will survive the rest of the movie, because something or other will come to the rescue, and after that one single tender moment, the moviemakers simply can't kill you off.

11. If you take charge, you're dead.

12. If you are the elderly strong guy who barges in with weapons a while into the movie to save the main cast from an onslaught, you're dead!

13. If you are a female main character with skeletons in her closet, but otherwise acts responsibly and helpfully, it's a 50/50 whether you live or die.

14. If you are fighting zombies created by some mysterious disease, don't fucking try to help your loved one who has been bitten, just give him/her a bullet in the brain. Preferably two!

15. If you are fighting a tonne of scary things, and you decide to sacrifice yourself to delay the onslaught, then make sure you survive long enough for the others to leave the room, and don't you ever scream! That way, you'll probably appear at the end when the two survivors look in the direction of the scary place and mourn the loss of you!

16. If you're prone to panic, you will die.

17. If you ever get a hold of a shotgun and say the words "It's killin' time" or the likes thereof and go around shooting things like a real badass, you'll survive, because you have achieved what is essentially cinematic godmode!

Tune in later for more...!