Pacific Rimjob!

God, I've been waiting to do that joke ever since I heard of the movie.

So, movie review it is!...or, more like a movie rant. Safe to say, I'm not a huge fan. My girlfriend like it, though, so I guess that counts for something. For her, not for me.

Anyway: meh. I think that best sums it up; a resounding "Eh, that wasn't very good.".

Let's start with the good stuff, so we can get that out of the way, seeing as how there isn't much to say there:

It looks nice, and the 3D FX aren't atrocious.

There, that's the good things. Now, for the rest:

The Acting

The acting wasn't spectacular, to say the least. The two main characters were hamming it up all over the place, chewing scenery like they were William Shatner. Heck, the most subtle way they could think of to indicate that there was a romantic connection was for the female lead to make a face like she's having an orgasm every single time she looks at him.

The only good acting performance came from Idris Elba, who seemed to be channeling Benjamin Sisko at times. He was the only one who seemed to know that you didn't need to beat the audience over the head with every single bit of emotion you wanted to show.

Things were slightly improved with the inclusion of Ron Perlman, who seems unable to not make a fantastic performance wherever he goes.

The Premise

Oh boy, here comes the garbage...

See, the point of the movie is that there's this interdimensional portal in the Pacific Ocean, and giant monsters come through it at decreasing intervals. Fine.

However, earth for some reason decides to fix this by building huge fucking mechas called Jägers, which are for some utterly contrived reason hooked up to human brains in order to pilot them.

First problem; why the hell would they build mechas? They are the very worst shape you could possibly have for a war machine. Why, did they think the reason why humans dominate the terran continents is because of our immense physical strength and endurance? Fuck that, humans are stupidly built! You know why we succeed? Because we can make big fucking guns, that's why!

So, are the kaiju (as the monsters are called) somehow impervious to shots from huge plasma cannons or big rockets? No, not at all. In fact, those are the most effective weapons of the Jägers, even more so than the completely useless punches they throw.

In essence, the human body is a terrible design choice. We have limbs that can be damaged or torn off (which they are, in the movie), heads that can be bashed in (which they are, in the movie), joints that can be crippled (which they are, would you know) and walks upright, making it very vulnerable to being tripped (which it gets).

How about a tank? Hmmm? Just a big fucking tank with big fucking guns and thick as hell armour? You wouldn't need silly psychic-pilot-pairs, the kaiju could never topple it, you could fit a shitload more guns on such a platform, and you could add as much armour plating as you'd need, since the damn thing doesn't have to stand up and fucking take a walk!

Or, if I'm not being too bold here, how about a strategic bomber? Throughout the movie, we never see one single reason why bombers and heavy attack fighters couldn't just blow the shit out of it. Sure, there are some establishing shots of it punching out fighters, but those were clearly piloted by pillocks, because fighters are adapted for combat at ranges of several miles, and that's against other fighters which are a million times more agile and certainly much faster than the kaiju. The pilots in those planes clearly thought the very best range for an attack was somewhere around six inches.

Come to think of it, why are the pilots in the heads of the mechas in the first place? That was literally the first thing my girlfriend thought of when we were introduced to the Jägers; why the hell do they need pilots INSIDE the damn thing? Couldn't they just control them remotely, which would somehow give the impression that their technology is at least as advanced as ours, rather than hopelessly out of date?

Add to that, why are the pilots in the HEADS of the mechas? Why there? It's the single worst spot to control it from; it's the most exposed part of the body, kaiju are going to want to claw, bite and smash that bit sticking up from the shoulders, and they actually do that in the movie!

You know how, on modern cars, the driver is always seated on the front of the hood of the car so that any collision from any direction other than straight from the rear is 100% fatal at all times?

No, because that would be fucking stupid!

The Plot

The plot isn't bad. It's not going to take home any Academy Awards for best writing, but it doesn't exactly suck. It's run of the mill.

Things start out in the shitter, what with huge monster mammals attacking cities, but then the humans fight back with huge mechas and everything is wonderful again.

The unusual thing is that all this happens in the prologue. The very first scene after that we get is where it goes down the shitter again, and then it just keeps going further and further down the shitter until the heroes win through a last ditch effort. Of course there's also a council of the world's biggest fucking idiots who try to fuck everyone over through sheer idiocy.

"Hey, Bill, let's scrap the program with mechas that can actually kill the monsters, and funnel all that money into building a huge fucking wall!"
"-Good idea, Steve, but what about when the wall is finished, even if it works exactly as planned? We'll have hundreds of kaiju outside the walls, increasing in number every day, getting bigger and bigger. Are we just going to assume that they'll never be able to get through that wall in any way? Because if they do get through, even in one single place, we'll have exactly no way whatsoever of defending ourselves."
"Shut the fuck up, Bill."

Nothing spectacular, but the story isn't the point of the movie

Essentially, we are treated to a plot that only serves to enable fights with big fucking monsters and heroes who turn into Big Damn Heroes. And I'd say it serves that function pretty well. It's not very clever, and it's not very well done, but it's just a vessel for big scenes with mechas fighting monsters and monsters demolishing shit.

Except one thing at the end. You know the one, where one kaiju uses an EMP and knocks out the most advanced Jäger. At that point, the main protagonist goes "Hey, our old piece of junk still works, because it's not digital, it's NUCLEAR!".

What the fuck, guys?

This is fully equivalent to the infamous "It's the neutrinos! They have...mutated!" line from the movie 2012.

This is not how science works, dickheads.

First of all, whether it's nuclear or not has absolutely dick to do with if it's digital or not. My computer is digital, it uses fucking digital circuitry, yet the energy for it mostly comes from nuclear power plants.

Second of all, it doesn't use digital circuitry? Great, we're entrusting humanity's survival to something controlled with...what, vacuum tubes?

Bullshit, learn some science!

Conclusion

It's "Meh". Not a big fan of this one. The movie is simply too damn stupid.

Two stars.

The console market!

Oh dear, it's happening again!

What, another nuclear holocaust scare? Another plague of mantits mantises?

No, there's a new console generation in the works. Good grief, let the bullshit commence.

Of course, we've got the usual lineup of Xbox, Playstation and Nintendo Wii consoles, of which only the latter is actually out as of yet, and already the companies and players have started bugging the everloving dick out of me.

Take the XBox One, or XBone as it's officially known. We don't know much about it, except that Microsoft seem determined to take all the things we either hate about the current SexBox and make them the core selling points.

Hey, do you love always online and have a stable high-speed internet connection wherever you go? If you don't, there is, according to Microsoft, there's this little piece of shit called the Xbox 360. The XBone is for real gamers, who have awesome internet that they use...well, for watching movies, television and chatting with their friends primarily, rather than play games, because those are the features that Microsoft think will attract the most gamers to the system.

At this stage, it's pretty obvious that the XBone represents the ADHD side of the business; Microsoft don't have a single clue what to focus on and just slap random shit on the ExBoner, and can't pay attention to the customers' preferences for half a second.

Meanwhile, people are whining about how the Wii U is essentially just Nintendo's attempt at catching up with the 360 and PS3, while at the same time it's a next generation console.

Oh, of course, because processing power is all that matters.

I can't for the love of me recall even once having played a new AAA title and saying to myself "Damn, this game would be awesome if it didn't look like shit! I can't wait for someone to remake it in the future to look better".

Let me be absolutely clear here; processing power is the very last thing I take into consideration when buying a new console, just under the size of the bar code on the box in terms of importance.

Maybe the games for the Wii U will all be shit, but then it won't be the fault of the hardware being only on par with the PS3.

Gymnazis!

Here's something that really bugs me about going to the gym; the sitter.

Now, what's a "sitter", you might ask.

Well, let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time, the gym was invented. In it, there were many machines that one could use for strenuous physical activity to increase degree of fitness.

This guy, however, never heard that story.

He picks a machine, sits down, maybe fiddles abit with his phone, drinks some water.

If you're lucky, he'll actually do one or two sets, then move on to do the same damn thing on another machine.

What the fuck is he at the gym for?! All he's doing is occupying machines that people with an actual interest in working out might wanna use!

Now, don't misunderstand me; I'm not objecting to people taking breaks between sets to relax their muscles. That's a good idea to boot. No, what's bullshit is those people just taking up space while doing fuck all at the gym.

Me, petty? Nonsense!

Fun Facts!

Yup, that's right, I'm gonna do one of these. Thing is, mine won't be bullshit. Whenever people try to quote some fun facts, they really only manage to spout some crap that has no grounding in reality whatsoever.

So, I'm not gonna do that. I'm going to only mention stuff that I've actually checked up on.

Enjoy!

That's an order!

• Coca Cola has for the longest time contained trace amounts of cocaine, but doesn't anymore. Nowadays, it just contains an extract from depleted coca leaves, made by one single factory that is the only one in all of the US that is allowed to process the leaves.

 

• While Coca Cola Zero and Coca Cola Light are not identical in the flavour formula, it is not true that they are distinguished by using different artificial sweeteners. See, the mixing of the actual product and the choice of sweetener differs between markets, because Coca Cola only centrally produces the syrup itself, and various authorized bottlers across the world handle the bottling and mixing. Thusly, the same kind of Coke can have different sweeteners in different areas.

• Elvis Presley was a natural blonde. Yeah, suck on that hard hitting fact!

•  You've probably heard about Emilio Estévez, but what about his brother Carlos or his father Ramón? Or, as they're probably better known, Charlie and Martin Sheen.

• The name of the band KISS has a very dark and vicious origin and meaning; stopping at a red light one day while trying to come up with a name for the band, Paul Stanley suggested "KISS", and Peter Criss and Gene Simmons basically just went "Okay, that works".

• The title for the song Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds (Or LITSWD for short) had fuck all to do with LSD. The Beatles weren't exactly unfamiliar with enjoyable mood enhancers, but nobody seemed to realize what choice words in the title spelled out until after the release. Heck, the drawing that Julian Lennon made of his friend Lucy in the sky with some diamonds (See what happened, there?) is still preserved. Wouldn't it have been less hassle for Lennon to just admit that the title referenced LSD than make a fake drawing and then presumably indoctrinating his son into thinking he made it? Remember, kids; when judging a conspiracy theory, always consider if it's bad shit bonkers compared to the alternative explanation. This one is.

The Dark Knight Falls Flat On His Face!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm back!

Tonight, I'd like to address why I think the Dark Knight trilogy sucks as far as a portrayal of Batman goes.

To start off, I really like all three movies, and I think they are brilliant on so many levels. The problem I have with all three is that the Batman they presented is the wrong...fucking...Batman!

Let's start from the beginning: What is Batman?

He's got no super powers or anything, he just relies on other qualities. He's highly intelligent, he's designed tonnes of very useful gadgets, he's got more or less limitless wealth and he's in extremely good physical shape, he's always Crazy Prepared and a master businessman. The words "World's greatest detective" have frequently been lavished upon him.

Too bad all of it is absolute bullshit in the Dark Knight trilogy.

We'll start with his intelligence. He's dumber than a bag of wet mice. Remember that line from The Dark Knight where he goes "[The Joker] must have friends!", and the gangster goes "Have you seen this guy?!"? Yeah, that's how pretty much everyone would react. Bats is showing signs right there of not being the sharpest bulb in the elevator.

Do you also remember that scene where he uses subtle interrogation methods to try and make a criminal reveal part of his plan through manipulation? No, neither do I, because bats just tries to beat the shit out of them instead. Very intelligent!

Oh, and what about that bit where Batty forgets to turn off his mobile-phone-sonar-thingamajiggy and therefore gets beaten up by the fucking Joker? Are you shitting me? The Joker is many things, but physically intimidating in close combat is not one of them!

But he does in fact have a ton of useful gadgets, though. Can't argue with that one. Oh, wait, he didn't actually design those, he just embezzled funds from Wayne Enterprise for the purpose of designing toys for him. Great going, Bruce!

Come to think of it; beating people up instead of using his brain, going to an associate of his and asking "What've you got for me today?" to receive his toys of the day that will be trashed by the end of it?

For fuck's sake, he's James Bond!

At least he's rich, that's one thing even I can't take away.

And he is in pretty good physical shape. Notice how I said "pretty good", and not 'extremely good'. He's fairly fit, but he can't stand up to Bane in a fight, can he? And this isn't even Bane with venom injected, this is just a rather beefy guy with a funny voice. Are you telling me Buttman can't handle one single guy who's done some pushups?

As for the crazy preparedness? *sigh* Guess how this is gonna go...

Look, there's this part in The Dark Knight that perfectly exemplifies it; Roy Batty here is hanging on to a van at the beginning of the movie, and reveals a thingamabob that he has that can cut through metal. It's a silly, flimsy, bulky piece of shit attached to his glove that does no good whatsoever before he's thrown off of the van. He can't prepare for a bowel movement, let alone fighting crooks.

Or how about that bit in the Dark Knight Rises where he flings a bunch of tiny smoke bombs at Bane and all the evil walls surrounding him? They do absolutely fuck all. Why the hell did he even bring those?! They don't conceal anyone worth a shit, and they sure as hell don't even smart when they hit you, which most didn't even do.

He's at least great at doing business though, right? RIGHT?!

Fuck no.

If nothing else, no matter what Lucius Fox says in the Dark Knight Rises, the secret applied sciences division is not off the books. There is a fucking plot point in the second movie where a chartered accountant figures out Bat-shit-bonkers' identity by looking through the shit that applied sciences has developed.

And there's also the bit where he drives Wayne Enterprise into the ground. See, in the Dark Knight Rises, it's explained that the reason why youth activity centers aren't getting any funding is because that funding is based on a percentage of the profits from Wayne Enterprise, and there aren't any. As in, there are no profits. Fox explains this quite clearly; Wayne Enterprise is in the red. Every single penny is swallowed up by some ill-defined boondoggle to save the world that Brucey hopes will make sure he doesn't have to be Batman anymore, because fuck Gotham, that's why.

But now comes the final nail in the coffin; he's a crap detective as well. What are the characteristics of a great detective? Being able to see the whole picture, being able to pick up on subtle clues, being able to figure out what's really going on beyond any possible smoke screens or the likes thereof.

Yeah, Badman does none of that.

See, there's this bit in The Dark Knight, wherein Bratz knows that there is going to be an attempt on the life of the mayor. So, what does he do? Case the joint, try to find possible venues of attack or particular security risks, like the fucking guys shooting fucking guns ten feet from the fucking mayor?

Nope, he hops into one single apartment building, finds some bound and gagged guards, and immediately goes to fidget with a telescope in the window. Dammit, Stevie Wonder has got a better idea of his surroundings than this guy!

Or what about the part in the Dark Knight Rises where Bane and his folks bust into the Gotham stock exchange and hack into it to sell Wayne's assets with his finger prints (presumably through magic, because I don't know how the hell that would work in real life) while Butty Boy is off hunting down some blokes on motorcycles? Did Bedman think that they broke into the stock exchange and take hostages just to have a fun little chase sequence with three or so witnesses?

Come on, any idiot could have seen that something bigger was up, but Bruce Lack-of-Forsythe here just didn't have a fucking clue what was happening.

And that whole situation is just stupidly out of place for Batman. Had it been the real Batman, he'd have had some kind of anti-identity-theft spray to prevent it. Heck, when he's told, he just does fuck all, even though there are hundreds of witnesses and countless cameras all recording the fact that some guys broke into the stock exchange and ran some kind of hacking thingamafuck there, and then magically Bruce Wayne supposedly makes the worst business decision in his life, and does it electronically with no witnesses and via using finger prints (You know, those things absolutely everyone in the whole fucking world can get a hold of on you, from as little as a photograph off of glass?)?! Do you realize how fucking quickly every single corporate monitoring agency in the whole world would be all over that shit like flies on...well, shit?


What bothers me the most about the Dark Knight Rises in particular, though, is neither of those things. It's the simple fact that Batty Boop doesn't succeed through sheer determination or willpower. No, he succeeds through dumb (with a major emphasis on 'dumb') fucking luck. He's just lucky enough to share a cell with the one guy in that prison-well, or indeed the whole bloody world, who can heal a broken back by punching it very hard once (presumably through the same kind of reality-defying magic that enabled the aforementioned hacking), and is also quite willing to do so to someone who is the enemy of the guy he's hired by. And then Bat an Eyelid is plain told straight out what Bane's weakness is, IE you need to break his mask, so he can defeat him in spite of Bane being far superior in a fight.

I hate it when moviemakers do that. They leave the success of the hero up to sheer luck, instead of any real quality worth mentioning. Isn't Batman supposed to be awesome and badass? Not some moron with a good physician?

Bah, screw that, I'm going to watch the Avengers again!

Make Extreme Edition Home Over!

You know what's really bleedin' stupid?

Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

You know the show perfectly well; a guy who is more enthusiastic than fucking Steve Irwin remakes people's homes because they suck, and everyone starts crying all the time because it's such a Cinderella story!

It's shit.

Come on, you know it's shit.

No, I'm not talking about how disgustingly cheerful and emotional the whole thing is. I mean, that's sickening in itself, but the really terrible part is that those damn houses aren't actually fucking livable!

Take one family, for instance, where the youngest daughter was quite fond of pastries and sweets, as if there exists a form of child that isn't exactly that. So, what did they do? They decorated the whole thing so that abso-fucking-lutely every single detail in the whole room was pastry-themed. The cushions were doughnuts, the walls were covered in pastry images, everything revolved around that theme.

What kind of a fucking bedroom is that supposed to be? Yeah, so the kid has a sweet tooth, can you imagine what'll happen when that kid is a 15 year old emo trying to bring her friends home to listen to The Cure in a room dressed up like a baker's shop? Ever considered that maybe, just maybe, kids change what they like? Heck, I played fucking hockey when I was a kid, a fact that anyone who knows me now will realize illustrates my point to a terrifying degree.

However, the worst example is one family where the mother had passed away. That's sad for any family, but in this case they had Extremely Creepy Makeover Building a Fucking Mausoleum Edition to help them out. See, the people doing the show thought it'd be a nice touch to have poetry written by the mother covering the walls.

What...the...fuck?

So, how do you expect the kids will get over their mother when their whole house is a monument to her? It's a mausoleum, a graveyard, the walls of which contain her epitaph.

Oh, and while you're at it, how do you think the first visit of the father's new girlfriend, because he will definitely fucking get one sooner or later (Pro tip: people fucking move on!), to the house that's covered in the writing of the dead mother?

That's creepy as shit!

Addictiveness!

What makes a game, a drink, or a particular brand of gym shoe addictive?

Surely, that is something which has been contemplated by Electronic Arts, Systembolaget, and Adidas for many years already, and the only ones able to pin it down so far are Systembolaget. Come to think of it, that's quite ironic considering the role that the government takes in minimizing damage from alcohol to society.

No, wait, ironic isn't what it is...it's some other word...oh, yes; huge fucking hypocrisy!

Anyway, onward to dick jo...games!

I think it's time for me to finally give my views on what makes games addictive, because I know you have been waiting for a very very long long time for that very thing. Okay, so maybe I don't really know what the word 'addictive' means, so I'll just line up and shoot down things that make you want to play a game over and over.

Of course, it's not just one single thing, so I'll try to take us through a few of them. Let's get this show on the road!

First, on our list, is the concept of 'Shit to do'. After all, you want to have stuff to do in a game, and this can be accomplished in different ways. The easiest, but by far the least entertaining, is repetition. You just make the player do one or two things over and over again, IE your good old Diablo or Borderlands. One kill is pretty much the same as the other.

Now, this doesn't necessarily mean the game sucks, but it's not a particularly inventive way of getting you hooked.

Another way of doing it is to simply go the Bethesda way and make a billion different things to do and pack the game with it until it bursts out of its pores. You add easter eggs, sidequests, different kinds of crafting, furnishing and the kitchen sink. This one is more difficult and costly because you actually need to design all of the different things separately rather than copy-pasting the lot of it. Rockstar also like to do this. By doing it this way, you're unlikely to be able to experience everything in a single playthrough, so I'll have to have another go at it. And another.

The third way is giving you a million things to do, each and every one of them mutually exclusive, IE you give the player lots of choices along the way but they can only take one of two and a half quadrillion paths, so they need to play it again and again just to see how it would pan out. This includes the powers that be giving you the option to make either an evil, goody-two-shoes or flamboyantly homosexual character. See also: Bio-fucking-ware. Fuck this option, because I only ever either do goody-two-shoes or Hitler anyway.

The last way I'll bring up is the option of simply giving you such a bloody rewarding storytelling experience that you'll come crawling back in spite of everything else to go through that marvelous adventure one more time. In other words, what Dragon Age Origins did to make me want to play through it more than once, or even once, seeing as how the game mechanics themselves sucked big black...truffles!

So, let me just mail this to EA and maybe they'll make another game that doesn't suck. FUCK YOU Command & Conquer 4!

The Brain!

Isn't the human brain just a magnificently stupid thing? After all, we tend to imagine that the brain somehow perceives the world at it is, but it really doesn't in any way.

We see, but that's just light bouncing off shit.

We hear, but that's just airwaves bouncing off shit.

We feel, but that's just reports from little nerve endings when WE bounce off shit.

We perceive the world vicariously, quite like how a game world is viewed through a computer screen. The really amazing part is how immersed we can get into a world that we're just looking at through a window and aren't really part of.

When you play a game like Skyrim, you're swallowed up by the experience, and you imagine that you're in the game, but when you look outside of the screen you can clearly see that you're looking at a brightly lit rectangle. But the great magic trick is that we don't realize that ALL life is like that.

In fact, I'd like to propose rather a different metaphor for the brain than one of an incredibly advanced computer; namely one of a rather mediocre daily newspaper.

"Hey, that sounds insane, just like everything else you write! And also, you're ugly!", you might say.

Shut up! I don't care about your opinions on my opinions or my appearance, I may respond.

So, anyway, the newspaper office, or brain, gets information from reporters, IE nerves, about what the hell is going on. Just like a newspaper, your brain is pretty half-arsed when it comes to fact checking. It basically has a look at the information and decides if it's plausible or not. Apart from that, it sorta just assumes that the reporter isn't just making shit up.

And just like a newspaper, it gets facts mixed up, it gets hung up on its own prejudices and the stuff that it prints on the front pages is stuff you don't really have any reason to give a shit about. And just like any disreputable rag, it panders to the reader's, in this case your, prejudices, so it only provides information twisted to fit in with your own view of the world.

Rather stupid, the whole thing, really.

Simply a book review!

Today, the subject which I would like to address is that of a literary work which I have spent some time reading through during these last few weeks.

The title of said book is A Prisoner of Birth, and I shall do my utmost to avoid any spoilers in this here 'review', if you allow me to use a language such as English for a fucking moment!

Oh, sorry, where was it?

Right, the book!

The author of this magnificent work of art is the Right Honourable Lord Archer of Weston-super-Mare. And no, I'm not making that up, that's his actual title; he's a former british MP and Baron of Weston-super-Mare.

On the cover of the book, though, it just says Jeffrey Archer.

The topic of the very book itself is one of a young man who ends up convicted of murder due to a conspiracy by four people whom he, his girlfriend and her brother meet at a local pub. From there on, the book explores his quest for redemption and retribution.

Now, what struck me about the whole story after having read the whole thing is the relevance and importance of the characters. I find that in most works of fiction, the characters exist very much to drive the plot, and instead, no matter how homosexual this will sound to you, in 'Birth...' the characters and their interactions ARE the plot.

Allow me to explain; you know how, in, for instance, The Return of the King, Aragorn and his party sweep in to save the day at Minas Tirith at the end of the battle? That is an event. Characters drive the events, but they are not the events. If you'd ask me to describe the plot of the book, I'd be describing events and happenings, but not the character arcs themselves.

In 'Birth...', you have very few such events. So few, in fact, that I could count them on my one hand. That is to say, one of my hands. I would not use this as a forum to announce the loss of one of my hands, that would be silly. The story is told very much, if not entirely, from the perspective of the characters, and most of the 'action' takes the form of inter'action' (see what I did there) between either allies or enemies.

As for the main characters, there is little that can be said off the bat without spoiling the plot. The main protagonist is very much a blank slate from the start; a kind, honest and generous man, if not very learned at the start of the story. Who he is evolves from the events of the story.

The main antagonist, however, is established a tad more. He is shown as a major player and a major threat, and it is obvious that he is the one whom the protagonist needs to outsmart.

Supporting the protagonist is a throng of various allies. Not only do these display uncompromising loyalty, they also show signs of considerable competence. There are no bumbling fools to be found here, and they do end up outsmarting the allies of the enemies at several turns.

Moving rapidly towards the end of this comparably short review, I would like to take a moment to point to a particular quirk of writing that the Right Honourable Lord Archer seems to use to intentionally endear himself to me, namely not dumping tonnes of exposition in our laps. He uses the characters' points of view to show what is going on, and rarely, if ever, do we find out more than the characters. The best way to illustrate this is by pointing to a scene in the final act where two allies to the main protagonist are discussing their strategy, and one points out that they must not let [relevant character] realize the importance of [plot point] before it is too late. In this instance, there is no exposition at all, and we're actually left knowing LESS than the characters.

That warms my heart to no end; a writer skilled enough to leave us in suspense rather than tell us everything that happens and has happened and hope that we feel suspense in spite of understanding absolutely everything that is going on.

To sum up, the book is an excellent story, and one of my big favourites in the world of realistic fiction. It contains a great deal of humour, though not traditional joking but rather seriously told moments that make you laugh anyway. If I was in the habit of giving scores, I would give it one, but I'm not, so I won't.

I suggest you pick up and read it, because this book is truly two of a kind.

The Walking Dead, AKA Here Be Spoilers!

What the fuck is going on in the post-apocalyptic world?

Allow me to explain.

Have you allowed me? Thank you.

Now, I've reached the point in the series where Dale ends up dying. Fucking great, now there's not a single sympathetic character left in the whole damn thing. Glenn turned out to be a self-absorbed twat, Daryl treats the rest of the group like shit and tortures and innocent outsiders, Shane is...well, a murderous fuckhead. Hell, even the fucking child is acting like a complete twat!

The only character left who was even slightly sympathetic and tried to help everyone both to survive AND keep a sliver of their humanity and compassion was Dale, so naturally he had to die.

Are the makers of the series trying to make us hate the characters, are you they seriously trying to make the characters appear to be good guys but fail spectacularly?

I feel it really fucking hard to enjoy watching a zombie series where I'm actively hoping that the lot of those bastards die horribly!

Blogging...

Hmmm...I'm supposed to find something fascinating to write...shit...

I just got hit by the feeling my life isn't particularly interesting.

Meh, whatever!

Today I'd like to talk about unhealthy stuff. I really couldn't care less about it. Take smoking or drinking or eating too much, I really don't give a damn. I know that drinking too much at parties now and then will probably not do wonders for my lifespan, but I can't muster the energy to give a crap about whether I live to be 75 or 74.

Now, don't mistake me for one of those tossers who go "Live each day like it's your last", because they are not only stupid, they are also hypocrites. Because, let's face it, they don't live each day like it's their last, they plan ahead and prepare for tomorrow and worry about the past just like the rest of us. It's just a meaningless platitude that some people spout because it sounds deep and philosophical.

How about simply enjoying the good stuff when they happen, and fondly remembering them afterwards, while also preparing for more good stuff further on down the road? There's nothing wrong with thinking about the future or the past, we all need to do that, but that doesn't exactly preclude us from thinking about the present as well, does it?

Look to the future. Always do that. It's not a bad thing. What matters, however, is that when good shit happens to you, you enjoy it and don't exclusively bother yourself with how it'll affect your future prospects.

Because, in all honesty, future you is a cunt, so fuck him!

Well, that was fun!

Holy smokes, I'm tired as all bollocks!

...but pleased as well. Been to my first LAN-party.

Well...more of a LAN-trio, to be honest. We slept extremely little, scoffed down high-caffeine beverages and subsisted on snacks and junk food. In other words, we were teenagers.

Frankly, I didn't think playing Left 4 Dead 2 would be quite this much fun. Unrelenting, somewhat silly and great for griefing your friends, in other words considerably similar to your mom.

All in all, I haven't got much to say about this weekend, except it was fucking awesome. Also, sacre fromage du mide fappé.

Hmmm...I need to pad this thing out...let's try this:

I can't help but constantly be amazed by the Total War-series, especially what with the Darthmod modification pack for Empire Total War. How could anyone ever hope to find better representations of moving regiments of troops around to outflank the enemy and break their morale? It really drives home the point that there's not a whole lot of tactics involved in most RTS games. Basically, in those, you build the biggest boots you can and try to stomp the other guy, and the biggest boots win.

Yeah yeah, I'm sure you'd like to talk at length about the intricate sweet details of making a zerg rush in Starcraft, but...okay, I don't think I know anyone who thinks that way, but that's beside the point!

My point is that, in the Total War-series, you've got to balance positions, numbers, angles of attack and morale in a constant flowing dance of death. You could, theoretically, if you've completely and utterly missed the fucking point of the preceding two paragraphs, line up all your men and have them shoot stuff at the enemy lines until one line breaks, but why on earth would you do that? Surely, the pleasure isn't in having the biggest army and trampling any other armies you encounter, it's in using superior cunning and tactical thinking to pull off a win when the odds are NOT in your favour.

When you're royally screwed and you've got five regiments of danish line infantry pounding your two regiments into the dirt, then pulling a fast one and throwing your men into a melee on their left flank and hitting the right flank with a cavalry charge to break the morale of the danish tossers, THEN you're looking at a sweet fucking victory.

If life gives you lemons and you proceed to shove them up life's arse with a bayonet, THAT is what's called winning. Just making some kind of sticky liquid spurt out isn't winning, it's just fapping.

What I mean to say is that people who play Starcraft competitively are wankers.

Absurd!

Have you ever considered how insane it is that we drive fucking cars?

Hey, I have an idea; let's just sit ourselves down in big tin cans and travel at speeds at which you couldn't possibly survive a crash!

What do you mean "Fuck off, you're insane!"?

Also, have you actually considered the fact that we are seated in front of extremely powerful computers capable of making millions of calculations a second and project the results in graphical form on a screen using liquid crystals, and we're using it to watch people having sex or cats falling off chairs?

Come to think of it, the use of it to view adult entertainment seems to be quite fitting. I mean, the internet is, after all, in existence for the sole purpose of displaying pornographic material. In other words; the internet is for porn!

Additionally, aren't energy drinks the best invention in the world?!

What, addicted, me? No way!

Killing Zombies!

No, wait, zombies are silly, I don't want to make a post about zombies. Therefore, I won't! Ha, take that, Renée Descartes!

Also, I've redesigned my blog. Largely because the old one looked like arse, as it happens. I'm also intending to keep up a more reliable daily updating schedule again, so stay tuned!

Here's what I really want to talk about; classes! Specifically, classes in gaming.

See, whenever you have a game with different classes, that is something that the developers and/or publishers like to tout as some kind of really innovative measure, having forgotten that it's only been used in gaming for roughly as long as the concept of pressing buttons on a control pad to make shit happen onscreen, that also brings a whole lot of variation and versatility to the game. After all, if you have five classes, that's a whopping five games in one!

Bollocks.

What we're always stuck with whenever a game features different classes is a different set of skills for each and every one, but the game itself is the same fuckmothering game every single time you pick it up. Diablo II with a paladin is the exact same game as Diablo II with a barbarian, only you look kinda different when you click things to death.

Now, this is what impressed me greatly about Star Wars The Old Republic. There were different classes, like in every MMO and their dog, but each class had a different main quest that tied into the type of character it represented. For instance, the smuggler gets a main quest that is centered around finding some kind of hoity toity treasure left behind by some twat or another, and the sith sorcerer gets a main quest centered around getting into the fucking ruling council of the empire.

These don't just lend a little colouring to the regular monotonous grind of MMO questing, it is a substantial enough part of the questing experience that you get a considerably different experience depending on which class you play. Heck, you even get a different set of sidekicks with actual personalities and storylines of their own with each and every class. Okay, Bioware, you can stop showing off now; we already know storytelling and characterization are your little EA prison bitches.

I happen to have discovered that the polar opposite to Bioware's erect macho grande is the flaccid and whimpy Dead Island. Now, I might've said at some point that it's a good game, and I still think that, but by fuck have the developers phoned it in when it comes to the four different characters with supposedly different skillsets.

They all get the same story, conversations, if you can call them that since you don't have any choices to make whatsoever, and weapons. The only thing that differentiates them is their skill trees, which are still not particularly different except they seem to have been randomized for each class. So yes, they all get roughly the same skills, except they're switched around the trees randomly. What the fuck, Dead Island? I thought I could trust you! I know one game that isn't going to be joining my group of plucky survivors after the zombie apocalypse has kicked off!

That was about zombies, wasn't it?

Fuck.